Dumb Brain: Names and Position

The second installment in my dumb brain series revolves around players names in connection to their position. You see, as a dumb football fan, I need to make short connections so I can tell who is actually talented. The most reliable players are the Jacksons, but that’s not what my brain juice desires. I’m done with names like Julio Jones his name means nothing.

NOW, if you’re telling me that the Browns drafted a cornerback named Greedy Williams. This man is in charge of keeping the ball out of the hands of the offense, and his name is Greedy? He actually doesn’t want you to have the ball and his name reiterates it. BUY BUY BUY!

Whats this? One of the best Running backs in the NCAA is named De’andre Swift?My brain tells me that he must be the fastest man alive maybe ever. It is not, Sonic: The average boi. Sonic is fast therefore Swift is fast. The same thing goes for Linebackers named strong. I will instantly believe that they are a defensive power house and they can bench press a house.

There are a few exceptions to this rule of names that are adjectives. I will also accept any linebacker that has an Eastern European name. This makes my brain associate them will farming in the cold frozen ground. I will also accept Mack as a first name. It connects the part of my brain that never aged past five years old with Mack Trucks. As a five year old in the body of a twenty-four year old body, my brain depends on these shortcuts to tell me what is right and what is wrong and if I can justify all this with dumb logic, that’s all that matters.

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